Buckle in kids, this is gonna be a long one. Like so many of you, I gazed wistfully upon the advertised hairless legs, knew the end result wasn't gonna be anywhere NEAR that, and went right on with the purchase like the jolly fool I was. Having tried this... lovely product in three different places (legs, underarms, bikini line -- and no, I didn't use it "down there" because the package SPECIFICALLY said not to and, despite buying this product, I am not an actual complete idiot), I had three utterly different experiences and thus will be reviewing them in turn. If you're not down for that, here's the TLDR: RESULTS: If you were going for stubbly skin that you'll still have to shave, congratulations! You've found what you're looking for. BURNING/SENSITIVITY: I did in fact endure two chemical burns for the low, low price of no worthwhile hair removal, but that may have been user error on my part, so, grain of salt. SMELL: Like a narcissistic boyfriend, you're not really aware of the unpleasantness until you're too committed to turn back easily. It smells fine when you first open it, but the smell (and yes, it smells like actual dog... leavings...) gets worse and worse. A good forty minutes after use, the entire upstairs floor of my house still smelled like the product. Anywho, into the gory details. PART 1: Legs, AKA, I LITERALLY Could've Bought A Year's Worth Of Razors Innocent lamb that I was, I had such high hopes. The product arrived, and, like a sane human, I did two small test patches, one on the calf, one on the inner thigh, and was delighted and hope-filled to discover that it did not in fact burn my severely eczematic skin. Unfortunately, when I actually went to use the product, it was virtually impossible to get even coverage, even using a kitchen knife (who's therapy I will likely be paying for) as a spatula. After waiting a SOLID ten minutes, and let's be honest, probably more, I was understandably peeved to discover that the product had merely dissolved part of the hair, leaving an unsightly array of stubble all over my legs. As a result, I ended up having to shave anyway, which, as you might imagine, was not the desired outcome. As it did remove all of the hair in some places, I do wonder if applying a second treatment might have done the trick, but as the product comes in a tube so small I'm convinced it must be made of pixie dust and unicorn tears, I didn't have enough left over to test that theory. Based on how much I had to use, I would've had to buy two or three bottles just for full coverage on my legs, which is about the price I pay for a YEAR'S worth of razors. Legs Final Verdict: 1/5 Stars PART 2: Underarms, AKA, User Error, Fun With Chemical Burns, And Other Assorted Miseries Beginning with the major caveat that, like a very smart person, I didn't bother to test patch my underarms, I was largely to blame for the following suffering, not the product. But enough with the spirit of generosity, onto the tea. So, as instructed, I slathered the wonderful-smelling "stuff" on my poor, unsuspecting skin. After waiting the requisite ten minutes, I wiped it off and was dismayed to see that the product had done literally nothing (I think this may have been because I let my arms down, so the cream got rubbed into the skin and was thus rendered ineffective, but I can only speculate there. Also, not being a ballerina, there was no way on God's earth I was gonna keep my arms elevated for ten minutes, so, y'know...). Vaguely disappointed, I hopped in the bath so as to continue with my day. This was where things really started to go rather off the rails -- you know, if you don't count the whole "product-didn't-do-anything-it-was-supposed-to" bit. Anywho, like the highly educated and intelligent person I am, it TOTALLY occurred to me NOT to use my incredibly strong body wash on the skin I had moments before slathered in an unknown chemical concoction meant to dissolve (DiSsOLvE) hair. Except it didn't and sweet holy frickin' Jesus. Pro-tip, don't proceed from that point and try to put deodorant on the currently burning, discolored skin. Y'know, like I totally didn't do. 'Cuz that would've been stupid. Unlike with the legs, there was a fun epilogue to this, in that when I found myself able to lift my arm again without a rapid-fire barrage of specific vocabulary words, I discovered the product actually had done *something* aside from making me want to set my desk on fire. Unfortunately, that was where I discovered this product's tendency to remove part of the hair while leaving an awe-inspiring constellation of stubble, at which point I wanted to set my desk on fire for entirely different reasons. My boyfriend was very concerned. Underarms Final Verdict: -17/5 Stars [mwahaha, here I have power] PART 3: The Bikini Line, AKA, ... oops Having been thusly regaled with the exceedingly underwhelming experience described above, the beleaguered reader will be surprised to learn that the product was unexpectedly effective in this regard. Unfortunately, this was also the point at which I discovered the product is in fact a sentient, nigh-omnipotent being of primordial evil, whose every breath is to exact his malevolent will upon unsuspecting Creole girls who just wanted a better alternative to shaving. Again, there's some user error involved here, since I should've done this part separately rather than trying to do it while also working on my legs. However, if you're somehow still here at this point, you're not here for magnanimity. You're here for mildly eloquent whinging. Having applied the product to my bikini line, I rather stupidly continued working on my legs. I specifically did NOT apply the product further "inland," as scientific studies have concluded that I am not a porn star. Yay science. However, being the incredibly perceptive and forward-thinking individual the above paragraphs have demonstrated me to be, it occurred to me only too late that I would have to keep the product from migrating "beyond the eaves of the forest," shall we say. Upon noticing, to my chagrin, that I had not managed to do that, I figured it would lead to a similarly uninspiring result as my previous experience with the underarms (i.e. the cream getting dispersed/rubbed in and thus not working). Imagine my shock [read, dismay] to discover that, not only was this not the case but that the cream had been entirely TOO effective, with attendant side effects in terms of appearance that I, as a lady, will not be detailing for the internet. Google deforestation and let your dirty minds run wild. I actually will continue buying the product solely for this purpose, as I'll be able to make the bottle last a long time and, in this one regard, it's *vastly* superior to shaving. Bikini Line Final Verdict: 5/5 FINAL THOUGHTS If you want this for your legs you'll be severely disappointed. Of course, if the majority of the reviews are anything to go by, most of you are using it for purposes specifically proscribed by the instructions, so it'll probably work great for you (I'll keep my thoughts on what kind of a commentary that is on our society and ya'll's collective good sense to myself). As stated, I *will* be buying again because the results with the bikini line were that good, BUT since I was actually hoping this would work on my legs, it's way too time-consuming and not NEARLY cost-effective enough to be worth it. Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk.
